Bruce’s Home Remedies for Jock Itch
1) Olive oil
2) Honey
3) Olive oil and honey
— Bruce, I say, I’m not sure any of those are going to do much good.
Bruce has his hand deep inside his sweatpants. Gratte gratte. Bruce has gone commando today I see. Gratte. Gratte gratte gratte gratte. He grimaces painfully, and does a little dance in a circle as he scratches.
— I can not get rid of it, he says in English. I try everything.
Gratte gratte. Pulling his hand out of his pants, Bruce sniffs his fingers and makes a face like he’s just taken a deep whiff of bad Roquefort.
— Why not just go to the pharmacy and buy some cream? I ask.
— Bof, scoffs Bruce. Les pharmacies, i sont des voleurs! Des voleurs !*
Alas, he’s not wrong.
* “Pfft, the pharmacies are thieves. They’re thieves!”